Hold On To You

Don't expect others to always support your choices but do not let their opinions change how you feel about your choices. You will never be able to see yourself through their eyes, so see yourself through your own eyes and don't waste your time trying to make everyone else happy. Do what you need to to take care of yourself. Make you happy.

Be supportive not over bearing. Be kind but firm. Tread lightly and love fully.

Remind yourself that everyone gets to make their own choices, their own mistakes, your triumphs are your own. Make your own choices and own them. You don't have to justify your choices but you have to accept the outcome of your choices.

Life never turns out quite how you thought it should but that doesn't mean it isn't exactly how it's supposed to be.


When The Day Is Done...

You could say I'm hard to hold
But if you knew me you'd know....

Today was the day I gave in. The day I accepted the fact I can't continue to work. The shortened ICU shifts are even too much. I'm constantly exhausted due to severe dehydration. I don't keep any food down. I vomit numerous times a day. I'm weak and I'm tired. I had no idea this would be so hard.

I have a beautiful baby bump and love every kick and movement. I'm giving everything I am to this little life inside of me. They tell me you're healthy and growing. They tell me not to worry. Believe in the process and take care of you by taking care of me. I guess maybe this will make me a stronger woman in the end. What doesn't kill us makes us strong, right?! At least that's what they say.

Things work out like they should...

Someday soon I'll get to see you smile. I heard your tiny heart beat again today and it makes all these struggles worth it. Your tiny little hand is jabbing me in the ribs as I write this. It hurts.. a lot but it makes me smile. You have me wrapped around your little finger and you aren't even born yet.

"Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride."


They Say I Won't Remember These Hours

"I don't quite know how to say how I feel."

I'm just laying here because laying in my dark bedroom is the least likely thing to trigger an attack of intense vomiting. It helps I haven't bothered to eat anything for many hours. Of course I puked up everything I did eat earlier in the day. I know I should be heading to the ER as I was too stubborn to call the vomiting clinic today. I know. I know. I know!! I just didn't have it in me to deal with that and that nurse today. I just couldn't bare the thought of it.

I remember when I use to be so strong but right now I can't even fake it. I'm exhausted. Everything hurts. I want to cry but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't waste what fluid I have.

This pregnancy has taught me so much. I had no idea it could be this hard. I had no idea I'd spend months thinking I was crazy, praying for the puking to stop. Wondering why this is happening.

The tiny little life inside of me is the only thing that keeps me fighting to get through everyday. I guess it's the Mom in me. I love the little kicks and just knowing soon I'll get to meet the little beast that is taking everything I am. I guess it's true being a mom means you would die to save your baby.


It's So Quiet In Our Little World Tonight

You're only getting better with time... I can't wait to see your beautiful eyes and hold your tiny hand. I want to count your tiny toes and be the one to make it all all right. I cannot wait to hold you. I cannot wait to be overjoyed by the tiny perfection we've created.

I don't mean to rush you but nights like this when it's just the two of us I just can't help but be impatient.


Once we make it through the gorgeous Fall and icy winter. Once we celebrate Christmas and watch the calendar change to a brand new year, then I get to meet you.

All the best things in life take time, beautiful baby I already adore you. Take your time, you'll be ready soon.


You Were Only Waiting For This Moment To Be Free

There's a tiny little life inside of me ... I've seen you once and watched your tiny heart flutter. I've never met you but I'd protect you with everything I am and everything I have. We heard your heart beat and it forever changed us. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing matters as much as you and you don't even have a name yet.

I've spent the last 15 weeks with you and have already learned so much. You've taught me that my body is capable of amazing things. You've taught me that your Dad is truly the most patient, understanding, and giving man I've ever met. You've taught me that even when life is hard it's worth fighting for. You've reminded me that life is amazing. And most importantly you've taught me that sometimes you have to wait patiently for amazing things to happen.

You're my little lemon. I pray you have your Fathers ability to love and forgive. I hope you have his ability to be calm. I hope you get my eyes and my love of life. I picture you as a tiny little talkative smarty pants who can justify anything. Your negotiation skills will I'm sure be the death of me, but I deserve it!

I can't wait to meet you but I don't want to rush this experience. I'm so sick but it's all worth it. I love you ferociously, sometimes it makes me cry! Because of you I will never take a single breath for granted.

I think you're a boy but if you're a girl your Daddy is done for! You are lucky because you have an amazing father. He's loving, and stoic. He's the most forgiving, strong man I've ever known. He has taken care of me since the day I met him, even when I made it an extremely difficult task. He will protect you with every fiber of his being. If you're ever scared he will make it better, I promise.

So many people are waiting anxiously to meet you. But right now you're all mine. We are on this little journey together. People can't help but notice I'm starting to show and everyone is talking about you. I'm sure you hear Grandmas constant chatter about you! You have three amazing beautiful nieces that can't wait to hold you and teach you all sorts of things! You're a Seahawks fan... I'm sure you got the memo Grandpa is going to teach you all about football! But for now it's just you and me. I'm Laying quietly at work thinking about you and breathing in just how blessed I am.

I love you little one,