In Other Words...

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Sunday, August 17th, 2014
9:45 am - You Were Only Waiting For This Moment To Be Free

There's a tiny little life inside of me ... I've seen you once and watched your tiny heart flutter. I've never met you but I'd protect you with everything I am and everything I have. We heard your heart beat and it forever changed us. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing matters as much as you and you don't even have a name yet.

I've spent the last 15 weeks with you and have already learned so much. You've taught me that my body is capable of amazing things. You've taught me that your Dad is truly the most patient, understanding, and giving man I've ever met. You've taught me that even when life is hard it's worth fighting for. You've reminded me that life is amazing. And most importantly you've taught me that sometimes you have to wait patiently for amazing things to happen.

You're my little lemon. I pray you have your Fathers ability to love and forgive. I hope you have his ability to be calm. I hope you get my eyes and my love of life. I picture you as a tiny little talkative smarty pants who can justify anything. Your negotiation skills will I'm sure be the death of me, but I deserve it!

I can't wait to meet you but I don't want to rush this experience. I'm so sick but it's all worth it. I love you ferociously, sometimes it makes me cry! Because of you I will never take a single breath for granted.

I think you're a boy but if you're a girl your Daddy is done for! You are lucky because you have an amazing father. He's loving, and stoic. He's the most forgiving, strong man I've ever known. He has taken care of me since the day I met him, even when I made it an extremely difficult task. He will protect you with every fiber of his being. If you're ever scared he will make it better, I promise.

So many people are waiting anxiously to meet you. But right now you're all mine. We are on this little journey together. People can't help but notice I'm starting to show and everyone is talking about you. I'm sure you hear Grandmas constant chatter about you! You have three amazing beautiful nieces that can't wait to hold you and teach you all sorts of things! You're a Seahawks fan... I'm sure you got the memo Grandpa is going to teach you all about football! But for now it's just you and me. I'm Laying quietly at work thinking about you and breathing in just how blessed I am.

I love you little one,

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Thursday, August 7th, 2014
10:26 am - Like A Brick Wall

Sometimes it just hits me and I'm momentarily paralyzed. I'm going to be a Mother... I'm going to be responsible for raising a tiny human.

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Monday, July 28th, 2014
8:54 am - Exhausting

It's thoroughly exhausting when your unborn baby tries to kill you!!!

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Saturday, July 12th, 2014
4:07 pm - Give Your All

I haven't worked much in the last month, 2 shifts- both in the ICU. I can't complain that's for sure! It has actually worked out very well considering my new found lifestyle of puking!

Between the pregnancy and the Lupus it seems like the specialists and doctors are constantly poking me or making me pee in little cups! I'm exhausted in case you're wondering! I am aware of how worth it all this will be in February when Kevin and I get to meet the little life we've created.

Seeing that tiny heart beat on the fetal monitor had to be the most surreal moment of my entire life.

In the last couple years we had slowly become aware and content with the fact we may never conceive. So of course when that test showed two pink lines we were shocked! Shock quickly turned to excitement.
It wasn't long before my body was letting me know this indeed was all for real!

I simply could not have gotten through the past few weeks without Kevin my by side. He has mad sure I'm eating and drinking enough to sustain myself and mini McGavin! He has driven me to all my appointments and held by hand when I'm terrified. He currently is off getting me my prescription to hopefully stop the constant puking! He's been pretty amazing and I wouldn't want to be on this adventure with anyone else.

I never dreamed pregnancy would be so physically and mentally exhausting. I never thought I'd be one of the unlucky who had morning sickness all day long! I never imagined my body would change so quickly!

When I think about the changes coming to our life and our little family I'm excited. I can't wait to dress my little crouton up for Halloween! To bake cupcakes for holidays and parties! To teach our little one all about life.

I can't believe were I am today and all the places my life has taken me in the past. For one second I would not trade what I have today for anything. Everything happens for a reason and when it all makes sense the overwhelming sense of clarity is amazing.

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Tuesday, June 24th, 2014
10:01 am - All Your Perfect Imperfections

The truth is whoever said anything worth doing wouldn't be easy but would be worth it knew exactly what they were talking about!

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Friday, June 20th, 2014
8:41 am - Just Slow Down

"Saw a flower growing in the middle of the sidewalk, pushing up through the concrete,
Like it was planted right there for me to see"
-George Strait

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Thursday, June 12th, 2014
11:40 am - I've Never Wanted Anything So Bad..

"I've got money in my pocket
I like the color of my hair
I've got a friend who loves me
Got a house, I've got a car
I've got a good mother and her voice is what keeps me here
Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Just be yourself"-Jann Arden

I've never wanted anything so badly in my life to work.... Life is a series of events, of highs and lows. A series of experiences. I recently realized no matter how hard you try to plan some things, sometimes life has other plans. Sometimes life surprises you! Ive never felt feelings this strong. My head is a jumble of thoughts and fears, wishes, and the same little prayer over and over... I've never wanted something so badly

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Thursday, June 5th, 2014
6:44 pm - Exhausted

Our most recent trip to Vegas was fantastic!

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Wednesday, May 14th, 2014
10:14 pm - My Week In Photos

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Monday, May 5th, 2014
12:58 am - You Set Your Mind To See This Love On Through

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014
11:31 pm - Starting Over

“You only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low.”

It’s been a while since I posted anything! I figured today is as good as any to change that. It’s been a long few months. Being off work has not been anything I expected it to be. I have found myself with zero motivation to eat healthy, workout, etc. I have taken giant strides backwards from where I was because running and working out has caused me too much pain. My mental struggles of being unable to get my body to work with me has been a frustrating experience.

On Monday Kevin and I met with Chris, a personal trainer at a new local gym. We spent four hours with him and it was an amazing experience. Having the chance to voice my experiences and frustrations was almost a cleansing experience. I walked away from the session having realized a number of things.

I realized I have spent the last months letting my illness get the best of me both physically and mentally. I have spent all my time focusing on where I’ve been and not where I’m going. I let the past cloud my vision of where I am today and what I need to do to take care of myself.

I realized I have forgotten to pay attention to what my body can do VS what the Lupus says it can’t. I need to be more realistic about my training goals. I need to embrace the good days and accept the bad days with a little more understanding and grace.

Chris reminded me that those bad days are going to be that much worse if I give up all together. Things will be harder if I continue to let my healthy eating slide.

Somedays I won’t be able to do a full workout or run. Somedays I’m going to hurt. Somedays I’m going to make poor food choices but that doesn’t mean I need to give up completely. One slip doesn’t mean I need to fall off the mountain and sit idly by and let it crumble on top of me.

On Monday I decided to spend the next 30 days embracing the life I have. I decided to go back to square one. The past is done with and where I was 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago no longer has any bearing in where I am today! I’ve decided to embrace what I learned and what I was capable of in the past but to leave it alone and start fresh.

My main goal is to listen to my body. Going back to basics will hopefully reenforce the good healthy habits I know I am capable of embracing. Starting fresh gives me a chance to relearn what works for me right now.

Last night I took the trainers advice and took Muffin for a brisk 30 minute walk to warm up my muscles before jumping on the treadmill and attempting my first “back to basics run” of hopefully many. I walked as I needed and felt strong the whole time! Afterwards again at chris’ advice I spent a good amount of time stretching and foam rolling to avoid aches and hip pain. This morning when I woke up I stretched my legs and was thrilled to feel no post run pain! This was a huge victory for me and reminded me that even though my body isn’t perfect and lupus kicks my ass it can still do some amazing things! I am cautiously optimistic regarding my running. I know I can’t push it and I know that if the Lupus pain flares up I need to reevaluate things. But for today I’m calling it a win!

Today was a gorgeous day and we took Muffin to the park for a 3 km walk. It was nice to be out in the sunshine and fresh air. We came home and made a healthy dinner and then I headed off to the gym for an hour workout.

I keep picturing the little tortoise,from the children’s book The Tortoise and The Hare, not because I feel like I’m racing anyone or myself but because he reminds me that dedication and determination are the stepping stones to my own success.

I’ve spent too much time letting my self perceived failures dictate my current endeavors. I was reminded that nothing is a failure, it’s simply an experience. I realize that despite feeling good the last few days my body will undoubtedly challenge me again in the near future and that is why I realize it’s best for me to take baby steps one day at a time. As cliche as it sounds I really believe baby steps are the answer to my getting back on track. Maybe in a few months I will be strong enough to set more substantial goals, or maybe I won’t. Either way I’m fully committed to starting fresh and embracing myself and all the things my body and mind are capable of doing. It’s a much better option than the self sabotage I’ve grown accustom to the last 6 months!

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Sunday, March 9th, 2014
10:59 pm - Parks Her Car Outside Your House And Takes Her Clothes Off

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Friday, February 28th, 2014
12:27 am - Where Does The Time Go

And how does it get away from us so quick?!? It feels like it was just yesterday I was feeling anxious over my last day of work. How is it really the last day of February? How is Vegas just around the corner? Where did the last 6 months go?

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Tuesday, February 25th, 2014
12:34 pm - "Idle hands are Devil's handiwork

Could you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now?

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Friday, February 14th, 2014
7:50 pm - Valentines Day 2014

So despite agreeing to not make a big deal over Valentines day Kevin spoiled me today.

The bunny is a replica of one I had as a child and I absolutely adore it! Part of me wants to tuck it away for our first born but I can't seem to stop holding on to it!

We had an impromptu lunch date at Montana's while waiting for Kal Tire to check out our tire situation! Afterwards he took me to the antique mall.

I feel very lucky today as I feel pretty good! Pain free days have been few and far between!

I got spoiled earlier in the week when my Secret Valentine from our online group arrived!

Muffin was pretty thrilled with her Tenderheart squeak toy we got her for Valentines day!

I hope everyone got to spend some quality time with the one they love or at least got a chance to spoil them-self a little today!

Happy Valentines day!! ❤

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Sunday, February 9th, 2014
11:01 am - Quiet Peacefulness

This weekend was quiet, un-rushed, and enjoyable!

On Friday Kevin and I were lucky enough to take part in a owl encounter at Campbell valley park in Langley. A group of us got to be escorted into the park at night while a field naturalist used owl calls to draw these amazing creatures to our location. It was such an amazing experience. We stood perfectly still as a Barred owl flew just meters over our heads before engaging in a full on owl song! He returned the naturalists calls for over a half hour! It was nothing like I've ever heard or experienced. It was amazing and I'm extremely thankful to have had the opportunity to take part!

Being in the park in the dead of night also reminded me how thankful I am it is protected. I am pleased our efforts to save the park from racing were successful.

Our earth is too quickly losing these vast areas of forest and we need to work together to protect what is left!

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Friday, January 31st, 2014
12:41 am - Pour Ti Volaré

When you look in the mirror and don't know who you are anymore. When 4 months flies by in the blink of an eye. When the days are a blur of physical pain and mental exhaustion.

Sometimes late at night I realize the old me is a million miles away. When I question if I should just give in. Would the pain lessen? Would it work? Would I be one of the lucky few? Would it just make it worse?

What if?

What if every single day wasn't a minefield?

What if the simplistic life I long for was in my reach?

What if the smallest things didn't feel monumental?

What if the old me wasn't gone?

What if I wasn't constantly knocked down?

What if all the effort I put in wasn't destroyed because my body realized it didn't need to attack itself?

What if!

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Monday, January 6th, 2014
2:37 pm - Mushroom Farmer!

That's right I'm a mushroom farmer! Well at least I'm attempting to be a mushroom farmer!!!

I'm so hardcore it hurts ;)

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Friday, December 20th, 2013
9:24 pm - Content In The Kitchen

A few of the christmas treats I've whipped up the last couple of days! I am so thankful for my love of cooking and baking and being able to share my gift with friends and family!

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Tuesday, December 17th, 2013
7:42 pm - Best Advice Ever

"Stand By Your Man" Tammy Wynette

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times
Doin things that you don't understand
But if you love him
You'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh, be proud of him
Cause after all he's just a man

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
when nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can

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