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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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10:37 pm - A Life Time....
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Things I need to post about....
1)Kevin and I are engaged!!!! I was shocked and have never been happier in my life.
2)Vegas....all I can say is wow...never in my wildest dreams did I think I would go on a trip like that. You name it we did it. We stayed at the Bellagio, saw shows, shot guns, saw lions and tigers and dolphins, ate the most wonderful food ive ever tasted, went to the Bellagio spa, and generally experienced Vegas in celebration of our engagement and Kevin's birthday!
3)Getting called Mrs. McGavin in Vegas! I couldn't wipe the silly grin off my face!
current mood:  thankful
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| Friday, November 13th, 2009
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7:00 am - Wow...
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I can't help but want to scream a a little whenever I look at the ring on my hand!!!
current mood: excited
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| Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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6:53 pm - Nothing To Hide
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Sometimes life’s not fair but if you hang in there you really will see sometimes bad is good.
Things work out like they should...better then you ever expected.
Life doesn't start until you fully understand the difference between getting by and actually living.
Laying on the couch with my head in his lap fighting to stay awake is better then anything in the world. I know it sounds a little dramatic but it isn't. He is the one thing that makes everything worth it. Being in his arms makes me realize it's all been worth it. The past. All the events of the past years that hurt, made me cry, moments when I didn't think I could go on...All worth it.
Life is a series of events, tasks, tests, parties, moments. Everyone of them is of value and meaning. No matter how simple, how hard, how easy. Everything happens for a reason. I have my own beliefs on life, karma, etc. I don't think they are right for everyone but they are right for me. Just remember it's the little moments that we remember in the end.
Fight your demons....Embrace your soul. No one can take either of them from you. You have to take care of them both on your own. Even if your lucky enough to have found a perfect person to share them with...you need to take care of them on your own. You need to accept the fact that you're worth it.
As I realize more and more there are things in life you can't change I accept the fact more and more. Life would be boring and pathetic if everything was easy. If you aren't willing to work for what you want, fight for what you love, protect what you have....then what is the point.
Nothing stays the same. When I was younger I figured I knew how life would play out. I had no idea. I had no idea I would do the things I've done. Walk away, watch others walk away. I didn't know I would be let down or I would let others down. I knew life wouldn't be perfect but I had no idea. I only recently accepted the fact that what I thought was love wasn't back then. What I thought was hurt wasn't. But at the same time it was. The point is love and hurt are feelings your feeling when you're feeling them. They aren't the same, they are ever changing. It took me a long time to learn that.
Love is wonderful but I have decided content is the feeling I was looking for. I have been in "love" before but until now I’ve never been content. I was always looking for something else, something more, something to make me feel free. I would look for ways to escape. Always wanted to touch the grass on the other side of the fence. Drink the water from the other stream. I was in love but I was never content. I am content now. I can honestly tell you I have never experienced this feeling until I met Kevin. I am not going to sit here and tell you our relationship is perfect because there is no such thing. But what I will tell you is that I am content. I am happy and in love. I've got my feet on the ground, I am looking forward. I have never wanted anything the way I want him. I have taken my mask off, I’ve exposed myself to him. I am who I am. I am not nearly as hard to hold as I had myself convinced I was. I don't fight what we have. I enjoy every second of it.
I hope nothing ever changes between him and I. But because I know what I know about life I don't take anything for granted anymore. Neither should you! Sometimes things don't turn out the way you planned. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's amazing but at the end of the day it is what it is. Don't take anything for granted....Embrace every second you have and don't regret the past because it won't do you a damn good. Everything happens for a reason.
current mood: cheerful
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| Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
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8:49 pm - Yeah Six Pay Days A Month
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How is it that I have three jobs and still manage to have to do next to nothing for my money!
current mood: amused
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| Monday, August 3rd, 2009
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9:24 pm - Everyday Ends...And Shapes Tomorrow
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As I sat back and reflected on today I realized in a strangely striking way that today is over. OVER. I'm not trying to make it sound like a bad thing but it is something. Everything is something and anyone who tells you different is an idiot. Every look, every touch, every feeling shapes who you are and how you live. How you experience life and how you react.
As everyone knows my life has changed dramatically in the past 4 months. I have grown considerably. I have calmed down. I have learned to trust again. I have learned to not battle everything. I have dealt with my fair share of emotion to say the least. I have learned how to accept defeat and I’ve learned to take things as they come.
To be honest I didn't imagine at all that I would be dating right now, let alone have fallen in love. I have had a person or two warn me to not get in too deep because according to them I have no idea how to feel yet. I know how to feel. Exactly how I feel. In the past 3 months I have had moments where I questioned my feelings, where I allowed myself to be angry and mad. As I reflect on those moments I realize the few situations all have had one thing in common, I have had a least one person outside of the situation itself telling me that the situation at hand is wrong. I've now stronger then ever realized I can't be swayed by others opinions. A lot of people....no most people....base their opinions of others situations on bias opinions and in many cases on their own needs. I can't tell you how many times I have had a "friend" tell me what I should or shouldn't do based on what is best for them. For a while I thought men were worse for this then women. I think I still stand by that as I have had a male friend who I thought was a good friend try to give me "advice" that wasn’t in my best interest. One who connected with me and tried to support me because hey I was single, vulnerable and in his eyes I was a sure thing because of it. They were wrong!
No matter what I ever do in this life I will never be able to make everyone happy all the time. This affects me more then it should, I wish it didn't but it does. I have been hurt more then I can explain by recent events and things I have had said to me by a person in my life I never thought would be so cold. I understand her personality and unless im really off base on this I don't think she meant what she said but to hear those words broke my heart and to be honest I don't know if I can ever fully heal from that. I thought Alan's words hurt but honestly this hurt worse. Which tells me a few things!
I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I am a women who will give you the shirt off my back until you cross me. I am a giver and love to take care of other people. I have been burned on this so many times I am almost ready to give up on helping others. I am so tired of selfish people I can't even explain it to you. NEWSFLASH...The world doesn't revolve around you! And no one owes anyone else a living.
I have recently learned what it feels like to be taken care of back. It was an amazing feeling. It was almost surreal to wake up in the hospital hours after getting there and feeling his hand in mine, to feel his eyes looking at me. He didn't leave my side. Lying in a hospital bed sick as hell shouldn't feel that good. The weeks since I’ve fallen very comfortable with him coming "home" to me.
So as I reflect....I will always remember the moment from today in the shower when he laughed at me as I whined and pawed the water away from my face.
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| Sunday, July 12th, 2009
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1:26 pm - ......
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Second place isn't good enough for ball but it's good enough for your girlfriend.
current mood: Done
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| Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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12:11 am - Ouch....I Have Lost Myself Again....Ouch
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Everyday is a compromise....I am never going to forgive you....We are all waiting for something...No is the sadest experience you will ever know......Remember when your biggest fear was being picked last for kickball?...It pisses me off karma has caught up with you yet....the silence said more then words ever could....Why does he look at me like that?...I don't want to miss a thing either!
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| Sunday, June 28th, 2009
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10:48 am - ..........
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| Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
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11:28 am - Always Make Sure You're Giving Way More Then You're Taking
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Everyone has to be good at something...I am good at my job. Last week I spoke to a class at Kwantlen College about Palliative care/home care nursing. It was the first time in a very long time I have done any sort of public speaking. It went very well. Every day at work I have a number of clients. Some of them are capable of taking advice on their own health and being proactive while some are not mentally capable to understand their own needs. I deal with families, patients, other health care staff, etc on a daily basis. It is nice to actually be acknowledged for a good call or a job well done. Yesterday morning I had a client who said her leg hurt. I took and look and informed her she needed to get it attended to by her doctor ASAP. Luckily for her she listened! I got a voicemail from work this morning that her daughter wanted to thank me for letting her mother know what needed to be done. A lot of the time those of us who work in health care get looked over when the Thank you's are handed out because we are standing in the nursing station at the hospital!
There ain't Nothing in this house worth fighting over.......Lately I have been far more comfortable not being at home. Last night due to circumstance I got to experience what it is like to once again be relaxed and comfortable in my own home.
I don't know what to do with my feelings, other then to just let them happen. Of course I don't ever want to go through anything like I have gone through again but at the same time I don't want to look back and wonder if I gave up on something to easily out of fear. I don't fear the failure. I think I fear it working. Maybe fear is the wrong word. I don't like the thought of having "those" conversations. You know the ones about the real life stuff. Money, family, friends, scary stuff. I know how I feel and I am pretty certain HE knows how I feel....I Don't need to say it because it really is written all over my face. I think I am ready.
At first I thought it was going to end in "Thanks that was fun". I guess I was wrong. I don't have the upper hand. I don't have the control. I don't have anything except exactly what I want. It isn't what I thought I wanted but it is amazing. I now realize nothing in life that is worth doing is going to be easy. However anything in life worth doing is going to be worth taking baby steps towards. I've really given up on thinking it thru! I am not going to waste any time in the future wondering what I might have threw away. Right now all I know is that I want you.
Totally unrealated...uncryptic....My car broke down on Monday. Super fun!!!! I guess the water pump went which in turn killed the timing belt...READ...NOT GOOD!!!! So my car is at the mechanic and I am waiting ever so patiently to find out if I am spending 800 bucks to fix it or 600 to find out the valves are bent and the motor is fucked!!! COME ON 800!!!!
FYI...The lead singer from Crash Parallel is stupidly hot....that is all!
current mood: hopeful
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| Friday, June 5th, 2009
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1:36 pm - A Little Nursing Humor.....
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One of my coworkers sent me this and I thought some of you might get a giggle out of it!
A woman was in a coma. She had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenevershe touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked..'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
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| Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
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1:50 pm - I Cried And I Cried......
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For you...Now the tears have dried up nothing looks the same. It's amazing what we put ourselves through. Baby it really is true...Sometimes bad is good!
I've given up on living for tomorrow.....I am living for today.
Yesterday I realized I could let go. I decided it was okay to take the chance. It's okay for me to chase my dreams. Even if they don't lead me far from home. Even if it doesn't work out I have to give it a try. I need to take the road im looking down and see where it leads. Every road has it's bumps and turns, pit stops, and tire spikes...It's all in how you maneuver around them I guess. I'll be alright!
current mood: optimistic
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9:28 am - There Is A Good Chance This Feeling Could Break My Heart
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There is just a good of a chance that it won't....Either way I will survive.
I said before I shouldn't feel this way...but I do and I should and it's okay.
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| Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
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3:29 pm - -When You Think You Are About To Drown From The Rain Pouring Down The Clouds Part And The Sun Shines
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Maybe nothing is forever. When borrowed time is all we've got it doesn't make sense to embrace the hurt. I thought I would spend my life with him. I never thought the day would come when he would change his mind. I can't hate him for what he has done. I can be angry and hurt and every other emotion under the sun but at the end of the day it is what it is. And what it is, is a chance. A chance to realize I wasn't where I was meant to be. It isn't his arms I am meant to grow old in. He isn't the man who sees me as his everything and as much as it hurts I will grow from this. Everyday I see past the darkness a little more. I can laugh, I can smile, I can accept the pain but most of all I can grow. I can learn to trust again. I can experience raw emotion, both good and bad. I can live.
In life everyone has to pick which path to follow. Some are shorter then others and some intersect and we need to figure out if we need to go left or right. There is no right answers just experiences.
I remember when we stood side by side. Before the hurt and the tears, when I thought all was right. A time when he was my soft place to land. When I looked into those eyes which held all the answers I needed. When I never felt lost or alone. I can't spend the rest of my life living in our past, I have realized the journey is long and it is an ongoing one. I don't need to close myself off but I could. The choice is mine to make. The choice to take what comes and experience what I can. Or choose to close myself off and never explore what could be. He decided I wasn't the one....That he wasn't ready....and that is fine. I am not meant to be his. He isn't meant to be mine. I will always hold on to what we had to some degree but I need to let it be. No regrets.
"We will only just remember how it feels"
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| Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
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1:06 am - And That.....
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| Saturday, April 25th, 2009
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5:22 pm - ...... Apparently I need to write and sign a document of cancellation.....Why me?
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1:06 pm - Bring On The Rain
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9:43 am - Words...Questions....Pain...Things.....Heartbreak
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I have heard the same lines so many times this week. From myself and from others.
-"I am sooo sorry I just don't know what to say to you"
-"It's for the best"
-"Well better now then 2 years down the road with a couple of kids."
-"At least he didn't leave you standing there waiting on the wedding day"
-"Oh maybe it's just cold feet"
-"Can I do anything, bring anything"
-"Are you eatting?"
-"Everything happens for a reason"
-"He may have done you the biggest favor of your life."
-"Oh he will come around"
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| Friday, April 24th, 2009
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7:25 pm - And Again!
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Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you thereI know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just helping you out, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)
This is a song
current mood:  angry
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| Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
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4:53 pm - Unimaginable Pain
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Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
current mood:  crushed
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| Monday, April 20th, 2009
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11:28 pm - Fuck The Strawberry Shortcake
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drained
contemplative