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Saturday, April 11th, 2015
1:55 pm - Hold On To You

Don't expect others to always support your choices but do not let their opinions change how you feel about your choices. You will never be able to see yourself through their eyes, so see yourself through your own eyes and don't waste your time trying to make everyone else happy. Do what you need to to take care of yourself. Make you happy.

Be supportive not over bearing. Be kind but firm. Tread lightly and love fully.

Remind yourself that everyone gets to make their own choices, their own mistakes, your triumphs are your own. Make your own choices and own them. You don't have to justify your choices but you have to accept the outcome of your choices.

Life never turns out quite how you thought it should but that doesn't mean it isn't exactly how it's supposed to be.

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Tuesday, January 6th, 2015
6:37 pm - Thankful

"I don’t ever want to wake up,
Lookin’ into someone else’s eyes
Another Voice calling me baby
On the other end of the phone"

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Tuesday, October 28th, 2014
9:32 pm - Feels Like Winter

New tv ✔️
Pj's ✔️
Heated blanket ✔️
Puppy cuddles ✔️
Netflixs ✔️


Perfect way to spend a rainy Tuesday night

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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014
7:04 pm - When The Day Is Done...

You could say I'm hard to hold
But if you knew me you'd know....

Today was the day I gave in. The day I accepted the fact I can't continue to work. The shortened ICU shifts are even too much. I'm constantly exhausted due to severe dehydration. I don't keep any food down. I vomit numerous times a day. I'm weak and I'm tired. I had no idea this would be so hard.

I have a beautiful baby bump and love every kick and movement. I'm giving everything I am to this little life inside of me. They tell me you're healthy and growing. They tell me not to worry. Believe in the process and take care of you by taking care of me. I guess maybe this will make me a stronger woman in the end. What doesn't kill us makes us strong, right?! At least that's what they say.

Things work out like they should...

Someday soon I'll get to see you smile. I heard your tiny heart beat again today and it makes all these struggles worth it. Your tiny little hand is jabbing me in the ribs as I write this. It hurts.. a lot but it makes me smile. You have me wrapped around your little finger and you aren't even born yet.

"Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride."

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Tuesday, October 14th, 2014
10:34 pm - They Say I Won't Remember These Hours

"I don't quite know how to say how I feel."

I'm just laying here because laying in my dark bedroom is the least likely thing to trigger an attack of intense vomiting. It helps I haven't bothered to eat anything for many hours. Of course I puked up everything I did eat earlier in the day. I know I should be heading to the ER as I was too stubborn to call the vomiting clinic today. I know. I know. I know!! I just didn't have it in me to deal with that and that nurse today. I just couldn't bare the thought of it.

I remember when I use to be so strong but right now I can't even fake it. I'm exhausted. Everything hurts. I want to cry but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't waste what fluid I have.

This pregnancy has taught me so much. I had no idea it could be this hard. I had no idea I'd spend months thinking I was crazy, praying for the puking to stop. Wondering why this is happening.

The tiny little life inside of me is the only thing that keeps me fighting to get through everyday. I guess it's the Mom in me. I love the little kicks and just knowing soon I'll get to meet the little beast that is taking everything I am. I guess it's true being a mom means you would die to save your baby.

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014
8:54 pm - Popped

My baby bump is the cutest thing ever!! I can't stop staring at it!!

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Sunday, August 31st, 2014
9:11 pm - It's So Quiet In Our Little World Tonight

You're only getting better with time... I can't wait to see your beautiful eyes and hold your tiny hand. I want to count your tiny toes and be the one to make it all all right. I cannot wait to hold you. I cannot wait to be overjoyed by the tiny perfection we've created.

I don't mean to rush you but nights like this when it's just the two of us I just can't help but be impatient.

Soon.

Once we make it through the gorgeous Fall and icy winter. Once we celebrate Christmas and watch the calendar change to a brand new year, then I get to meet you.

All the best things in life take time, beautiful baby I already adore you. Take your time, you'll be ready soon.

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Sunday, August 17th, 2014
9:45 am - You Were Only Waiting For This Moment To Be Free

There's a tiny little life inside of me ... I've seen you once and watched your tiny heart flutter. I've never met you but I'd protect you with everything I am and everything I have. We heard your heart beat and it forever changed us. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing matters as much as you and you don't even have a name yet.

I've spent the last 15 weeks with you and have already learned so much. You've taught me that my body is capable of amazing things. You've taught me that your Dad is truly the most patient, understanding, and giving man I've ever met. You've taught me that even when life is hard it's worth fighting for. You've reminded me that life is amazing. And most importantly you've taught me that sometimes you have to wait patiently for amazing things to happen.

You're my little lemon. I pray you have your Fathers ability to love and forgive. I hope you have his ability to be calm. I hope you get my eyes and my love of life. I picture you as a tiny little talkative smarty pants who can justify anything. Your negotiation skills will I'm sure be the death of me, but I deserve it!

I can't wait to meet you but I don't want to rush this experience. I'm so sick but it's all worth it. I love you ferociously, sometimes it makes me cry! Because of you I will never take a single breath for granted.

I think you're a boy but if you're a girl your Daddy is done for! You are lucky because you have an amazing father. He's loving, and stoic. He's the most forgiving, strong man I've ever known. He has taken care of me since the day I met him, even when I made it an extremely difficult task. He will protect you with every fiber of his being. If you're ever scared he will make it better, I promise.

So many people are waiting anxiously to meet you. But right now you're all mine. We are on this little journey together. People can't help but notice I'm starting to show and everyone is talking about you. I'm sure you hear Grandmas constant chatter about you! You have three amazing beautiful nieces that can't wait to hold you and teach you all sorts of things! You're a Seahawks fan... I'm sure you got the memo Grandpa is going to teach you all about football! But for now it's just you and me. I'm Laying quietly at work thinking about you and breathing in just how blessed I am.

I love you little one,
Mom

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Thursday, August 7th, 2014
10:26 am - Like A Brick Wall

Sometimes it just hits me and I'm momentarily paralyzed. I'm going to be a Mother... I'm going to be responsible for raising a tiny human.

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Monday, July 28th, 2014
8:54 am - Exhausting

It's thoroughly exhausting when your unborn baby tries to kill you!!!

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Saturday, July 12th, 2014
4:07 pm - Give Your All

Between the pregnancy and the Lupus it seems like the specialists and doctors are constantly poking me or making me pee in little cups! I'm exhausted in case you're wondering! I am aware of how worth it all this will be in February when Kevin and I get to meet the little life we've created.

Seeing that tiny heart beat on the fetal monitor had to be the most surreal moment of my entire life.

In the last couple years we had slowly become aware and content with the fact we may never conceive. So of course when that test showed two pink lines we were shocked! Shock quickly turned to excitement.
It wasn't long before my body was letting me know this indeed was all for real!

I simply could not have gotten through the past few weeks without Kevin my by side. He has mad sure I'm eating and drinking enough to sustain myself and mini McGavin! He has driven me to all my appointments and held by hand when I'm terrified. He currently is off getting me my prescription to hopefully stop the constant puking! He's been pretty amazing and I wouldn't want to be on this adventure with anyone else.

I never dreamed pregnancy would be so physically and mentally exhausting. I never thought I'd be one of the unlucky who had morning sickness all day long! I never imagined my body would change so quickly!

When I think about the changes coming to our life and our little family I'm excited. I can't wait to dress my little crouton up for Halloween! To bake cupcakes for holidays and parties! To teach our little one all about life.

I can't believe were I am today and all the places my life has taken me in the past. For one second I would not trade what I have today for anything. Everything happens for a reason and when it all makes sense the overwhelming sense of clarity is amazing.

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Tuesday, June 24th, 2014
10:01 am - All Your Perfect Imperfections

The truth is whoever said anything worth doing wouldn't be easy but would be worth it knew exactly what they were talking about!

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Friday, June 20th, 2014
8:41 am - Just Slow Down

"Saw a flower growing in the middle of the sidewalk, pushing up through the concrete,
Like it was planted right there for me to see"
-George Strait

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Thursday, June 12th, 2014
11:40 am - I've Never Wanted Anything So Bad..

"I've got money in my pocket
I like the color of my hair
I've got a friend who loves me
Got a house, I've got a car
I've got a good mother and her voice is what keeps me here
Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Just be yourself"-Jann Arden

I've never wanted anything so badly in my life to work.... Life is a series of events, of highs and lows. A series of experiences. I recently realized no matter how hard you try to plan some things, sometimes life has other plans. Sometimes life surprises you! Ive never felt feelings this strong. My head is a jumble of thoughts and fears, wishes, and the same little prayer over and over... I've never wanted something so badly

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Thursday, June 5th, 2014
6:44 pm - Exhausted

Our most recent trip to Vegas was fantastic!

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Wednesday, May 14th, 2014
10:14 pm - My Week In Photos

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Monday, May 5th, 2014
12:58 am - You Set Your Mind To See This Love On Through

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014
11:31 pm - Starting Over


“You only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low.”

It’s been a while since I posted anything! I figured today is as good as any to change that. It’s been a long few months. Being off work has not been anything I expected it to be. I have found myself with zero motivation to eat healthy, workout, etc. I have taken giant strides backwards from where I was because running and working out has caused me too much pain. My mental struggles of being unable to get my body to work with me has been a frustrating experience.

On Monday Kevin and I met with Chris, a personal trainer at a new local gym. We spent four hours with him and it was an amazing experience. Having the chance to voice my experiences and frustrations was almost a cleansing experience. I walked away from the session having realized a number of things.

I realized I have spent the last months letting my illness get the best of me both physically and mentally. I have spent all my time focusing on where I’ve been and not where I’m going. I let the past cloud my vision of where I am today and what I need to do to take care of myself.

I realized I have forgotten to pay attention to what my body can do VS what the Lupus says it can’t. I need to be more realistic about my training goals. I need to embrace the good days and accept the bad days with a little more understanding and grace.

Chris reminded me that those bad days are going to be that much worse if I give up all together. Things will be harder if I continue to let my healthy eating slide.

Somedays I won’t be able to do a full workout or run. Somedays I’m going to hurt. Somedays I’m going to make poor food choices but that doesn’t mean I need to give up completely. One slip doesn’t mean I need to fall off the mountain and sit idly by and let it crumble on top of me.

On Monday I decided to spend the next 30 days embracing the life I have. I decided to go back to square one. The past is done with and where I was 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago no longer has any bearing in where I am today! I’ve decided to embrace what I learned and what I was capable of in the past but to leave it alone and start fresh.

My main goal is to listen to my body. Going back to basics will hopefully reenforce the good healthy habits I know I am capable of embracing. Starting fresh gives me a chance to relearn what works for me right now.

Last night I took the trainers advice and took Muffin for a brisk 30 minute walk to warm up my muscles before jumping on the treadmill and attempting my first “back to basics run” of hopefully many. I walked as I needed and felt strong the whole time! Afterwards again at chris’ advice I spent a good amount of time stretching and foam rolling to avoid aches and hip pain. This morning when I woke up I stretched my legs and was thrilled to feel no post run pain! This was a huge victory for me and reminded me that even though my body isn’t perfect and lupus kicks my ass it can still do some amazing things! I am cautiously optimistic regarding my running. I know I can’t push it and I know that if the Lupus pain flares up I need to reevaluate things. But for today I’m calling it a win!

Today was a gorgeous day and we took Muffin to the park for a 3 km walk. It was nice to be out in the sunshine and fresh air. We came home and made a healthy dinner and then I headed off to the gym for an hour workout.

I keep picturing the little tortoise,from the children’s book The Tortoise and The Hare, not because I feel like I’m racing anyone or myself but because he reminds me that dedication and determination are the stepping stones to my own success.

I’ve spent too much time letting my self perceived failures dictate my current endeavors. I was reminded that nothing is a failure, it’s simply an experience. I realize that despite feeling good the last few days my body will undoubtedly challenge me again in the near future and that is why I realize it’s best for me to take baby steps one day at a time. As cliche as it sounds I really believe baby steps are the answer to my getting back on track. Maybe in a few months I will be strong enough to set more substantial goals, or maybe I won’t. Either way I’m fully committed to starting fresh and embracing myself and all the things my body and mind are capable of doing. It’s a much better option than the self sabotage I’ve grown accustom to the last 6 months!

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Sunday, March 9th, 2014
10:59 pm - Parks Her Car Outside Your House And Takes Her Clothes Off

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Friday, February 28th, 2014
12:27 am - Where Does The Time Go

And how does it get away from us so quick?!? It feels like it was just yesterday I was feeling anxious over my last day of work. How is it really the last day of February? How is Vegas just around the corner? Where did the last 6 months go?

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